#137: Sarah Squirm (SNL)
SNL's Sarah Squirm drops in to tell us about Black Licorice, News Anchor Fail Compilations, Hanes Granny Undies, and more.
Cool people like cool things, which is why we asked cool person Sarah Squirm to share some recommendations on Perfectly Imperfect.
Sarah Squirm is a comedian, artist, and cast member on Saturday Night Live. You may know her from the Weekend Update roast of Colin Jost or the recent TikTok sketch with Billie Eilish. If body horror comedy is your jam, you should check out her short “The Sarah Vaccine” on MeansTV and her Adult Swim Infomercial “Flayaway” on HBOMax. She has an upcoming show at TV Eye in Ridgewood (more info coming soon…) so keep your eyes peeled! She has also written for shows like “The Eric Andre Show” and opened for him on tour. Sarah has great taste and lucky for us, she’s here to tell us what she’s been into.
Without further ado
🍭 BLACK LICORICE
black licorice rocks my whole entire world- it's rude and disgusting, which is why i love it and always keep a little on me, getting weird and melted at the bottom of my bag. candy is for children but black licorice is for cool grown ups. here are some of the craziest kinds:
PANDA, the sweet kind: for when you need to wash down a savory meal with a little sweet treat!
WHEELS, the hard kind: for when you don't want to chew on something with the consistency of food, and would rather chew on something with the consistency of plastic.
CHIPS, the minty kind: for when you need a cure! weird cough, weird throat or weird stomach, these are basically like the candy cure for all of that! tiny little hard licorice treats that are mentholated so they taste medical, eating them feels like it's good for you! sometimes i will eat one of these after every meal because it feels like mouthwash for your entire guts. i'm so jewish that sometimes i need help digesting food, and these minty lil guys help me wash it all down. they're also the perfect texture: hard and teeth-destroying. i like carrying them around in my bag because they make the whole bottom of my bag smell like a clean hospital.
VENCO CATS, the savory kind: for when you don't want to share your candy with anyone, so you purposefully find unappealing candy that smells/tastes too gross. the bag smells like shit as soon as you open it, so no one ever wants a piece of your candy once you crack these puppies open. they're a little sweet and perfectly hard, and eating just one is enough of a candy treat to tide you over for the day.
HARIBO PIRATE COINS "PIRATOS", the salty kind: for when you want to punish yourself with something actually disgusting, and clear out everything in your entire body. want to reset the flavor alignment with your tongue? want to completely erase the feeling of your entire body? want something that will kill you dead, so that you can be reborn again? eat one of these salty pirate coins and you'll have to throw your whole mouth away and get a new one! wanna play a mean trick on someone? offer them one of these Danish delights and they will never forgive you for what you have done to them. eating a single coin is like swallowing an entire salt shaker whole.
🆒🎤 SINGING "COOL" BY GWEN STEFANI AT KARAOKE
nothing really gets the whole room going at karaoke than a song that everyone deeply, unconsciously loves, but often forgets about. when you sing "COOL" you get to use your sexy voice, so everyone in the room gets completely rock hard. this is a song in everyone's range, so you're welcome, you'll sound really good at singing. AND it's short, so you won't have to worry about shredding your throat too much. have fun impressing everyone in the room with how COOL you are!!! (i probably just got you laid with this amazing suggestion).
🤡 NEWS ANCHOR YOUTUBE "FAIL" COMPILATIONS
this is soooo 2000-and-late of me, but i can watch this dumb shit for literally hours at a time, and i mean hours. everyone on the planet can agree on one thing: that literally nothing is funnier than the Grape Stomping Lady falling down. and if we can all get behind laughing in harmony at one funny thing? well, honey? that's World Peace!
👵👙 HANES 10-PACK CLASSIC COTTON BRIEFS GRANNY UNDIES
What makes me feel safe? Wearing underwear that goes all the way up to my nipples. Full-coverage undies that secure my whole ass, lips and bush and also the clean white cotton gives my hole some air to BREATHE. those Parade undies everyone else wears are made of like plastic and i feel like my wide ass and fat lips eat them completely up. why does everyone look so good wearing them on instagram? on the other hand, classic hanes briefs? they're white, huge and they come in packs of ten??? honey, you just got yourself a sexy little diaper!
🎵🎃 OCTOBER RUST BY TYPE O NEGATIVE
i've been listening to this album on repeat for a full year straight. it's fun to stomp down the street with the power of goth metal blasting in your ears. afraid of metal/thrasher music? don't worry, their production sounds like you're listening to U2 doing metal. Peter Steele sings in a funny vampire voice and he looks like a high gothic vampire version of Fabio, so Type O Negative is the perfect band to relive your twisted little teenage nosferatu fantasies with.
❄️⛄️ THIS CURRENT SEASON OF REAL HOUSEWIVES OF SALT LAKE CITY
A Criterion Collection-worthy True Crime Documentary series. You're not too cool to watch this!!!!!!!!
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